Bangkok rules! The Eagles do not!

As I contemplate the music that I have heard on this trip, I feel quite thankful to have heard a tremendous variety of cultural sounds made by many different instruments. The route we have taken has also funneled us through areas that are geared to draw the westerner. Colored lights and Hollywood movies, mushroom paintings and glow paint all of these have proven to work. In these places American music classics rule (like there is any competition, right?) Jack Johnson has been the most played artist by far but I dont want to talk about him. I hate how good his music makes me feel, how cool he is, how simple but deep his song lyrics are, and how his tunes go well with every type of setting, ohhhhhh he makes me so mad!
There has been an intense battle for the most played song raging throughout Asia. Whitney Houston had a brief spat at the top after her untimely exit from this world. I was crushed by the way. Nora Jones surprisingly has been quite a constant. Three years ago Rod Stuart had a solid hold in Thailand yet today sadly he seems to have all together disappeared. Good ole Bobby Marley has cooly attempted to secure victory with his timeless life advice not to worry about a thing and reminding us that if we don't have a women there is no need to cry. Of course MJ is a force to be reckoned with belting out his ballad for peaceful streets "Beat It".

In the end though the championship belt undoubtably goes to a little ditty that begins with a solitary bongo joined by a familiar guitar riff and then a raspy voice whines, "on a dark desert highway....."

Both studio versions, instrumentals, foreign language covers, dj remixes, bar cover bands, lounge versions, and I even heard it in an elevator tune in China. Hotel California; please go away.
I feel a little better after this rant but not enough, so without further ado here is another version that I have made to aquatint you all with a little southeast Asia:

In a dark airplane cabin, loud sneeze in my hair,
The warm smell of my sandals, rising up through the air,
Outside in the distance, Asia's glimmering lights,
were so bright that it made me grin, stay for 6 months we just might,
The monk lit up the candle, and he showed me the way,
I heard chanting through an alley door, thought I heard them say,

Welcome to the Motel southeast Asia,
such a crazy place,
with a spicy taste,
There's plenty of gloom at the Motel southeast Asia,
We need some A/C here,
And some ice for beer.

The bed is springy and twisted, the techno bass has no end, ungh!
There's lots pretty lady boys, for money will be your friends,
I wish for English closed captions, Chineeeeeeese is all we get,
That dog is dismembered, that I wish to forget,
So in here I'm the captain, hangin laundry on a line, the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in here since 1969,
And still cat voices are meowing from faaaaar away,
Roosters wake me up in the middle of the night just to hear them say,

Welcome to the Motel southeast Asia,
What a dingy place,
Bed bugs on my face,
Livin' it up at the No-tel southeast Asia,
What a nice surprise,
cockroach of enormous siiiiize,

Fungus on the ceiling, cheap champagne on ice,
(I said) we are all just staying here, cause trip advisor's advice,
In trash fire embers, stray dogs look for a feast,
Vendors selling' illegal knives, that protect us from the thiefs,
Last thing I remember I was running for the door,
I had to get the power back, 'cause hot showers are no more,
Relax said the desk man, 'it come back if believe',
'You can check out any time you like just pay in full before leave'.

Hope you enjoyed the new version. That all being said I wanted to touch on one last subject in this wrap up blog of sorts and that is my love of Bangkok. We have been in and out of this sprawling metropolis several times and have spent prolly about three weeks in total. We also went to just a few other cities along the way with which to compare it as well. I love this city! I really enjoy all it has to offer. I know I will return again and again because there is so much left to be done. I have come to feel comfortable around Thai pop music the language is soothing some how. The youth of Bangkok are so spunky and ambitious in the ways of western/Thai cultural fusion, it's fun to watch the many interests they have. There is also the older generations keeping Bangkok's old ways alive. It's these two ways that mix to make it all so intriguing. There are patterns everywhere under the seemingly utter chaos. I feel like I understand it's flow in general but also know that it's complicated underbelly could never be understood by anyone other than a Thai.

The song 'One Night in Bangkok' I learned is actually a song about chess and written for a musical about a chess match in Bangkok. This was news to me because I had it nearly memorized all the times I listened to it on this trip getting pumped up for travel and thought it spoke of something much deeper. It does say that Bangkok is a show with everything but Yul Brenner' This is true because sadly, the King of Siam actor has since passed on. 'You'll find a god in every golden cloister and if you're lucky then the guys a she' also true. 'The world's your oyster but the pearls ain't free.' Bangkok like this song is however how you choose to make it.

So I invite all to experience the splendor of Krung Thep the original 'city of angels'. It is in the Guinness book of records for longest city name. Bangkok was once on the other side of the Chao Phraya river until 1782 the king moved it to the more defensible site of today and named it Krung Thep. Many rural people's of the region may not even recognize the name Bangkok, only Krung Thep. King Rama 1 officially named it: Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Ayuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Priman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsahukam Prasit.

Translation: the city of angels, the great city, the residence of the emerald Buddha, the impregnable city (of Ayutthaya) of god Indra, the grand capital of the world endowed with nine precious gems, the happy city, abounding in an enormous palace that resembles the heavenly abode where reins the reincarnated god, a city given by Indra and built by Vishnukarn.

Yea it's all that.

Most Extreme Elimination Traveler!

*insert flashy theme song here*

Welcome ladies and gentleman to this week's grand episode of
Most Extreme Elimination Traveler! (cue loud applause and excited faces)

As we have travelled around Asia I have noted a consistent pattern of tourists looking down on so called "tourist" destinations. I understand many would like to think there is a distinction between tourist and traveller yet anytime we go into a culture that is not our own we are just visitors into their realm of reality. Anyone who travels is a combination of traveler and tourist all at the same time. All travelers strive to be explorers and set off on an unchartered adventure yet that is also the goal for everyone else along the way. How can a person take themselves seriously saying, "this is too touristy" when they are also there adding to the tourist numbers? I cannot even count how many times I have heard that phrase uttered from the mouths of the masses of travelers all competing to have the best experience. So without further ado I would like to introduce our contestants in the pissing contest for Most Extreme Elimination Traveler! Who is the coolest? Who will have the best time? Who will be crowned most extreme traveller? Stay tuned to find out. Introducing.... The stereotypical travelers we have met thus far!

1. Mr/Ms Know it all!
They are way smarter than you. Even if they haven't done it before, they have done it before. You don't need to tell them anything cause their friend, guidebook, or ESP abilities have already told them about everything they need to know. They love using the phrases 'always' and 'never' and get a kick out of one upping you.
*Real life example: a conversation about surfing in New Zealand
"From what I saw people usually surfed in a wetsuit in New Zealand." -Me
"Oh yeah? You think that's extreme you should try surfing in Sweden! That's way more cold." -early 20s Swedish dude.
"Have you been to New Zealand?"-Me
"No, but I know. It's way more extreme in Sweden." -Mr know it all.
Thanks for that one up buddy. "I love know it alls," said no one ever.

2. Spring Breaker 2012 aka Captain Wasted
This guy/girl came to get wasted. Why stay home and booze when you can travel the world and drink until you don't remember where you are? This traveller frequently looks battered with random injuries and rarely rises before noon. Wears clothing proudly displaying the many pub crawls, parties, and booze fests they have attended as a badge of honor. Enjoys yelling, raucous dancing, and singing poorly along with overplayed cover songs. Girls who get by on their good looks and have no interest in other people's culture fit well in this category. Captain Wasted can be heard saying things like, "Oh yeah? Well I was so wasted at 11:00am I couldn't even stand up. Epic!"
*Real life example: "Have you been to the caves? They are beautiful." -Me, speaking to a girl in Vang Vieng, Laos on my second day there.
"oh no, I've only been here for ten months. I just drink and go tubing." -girl with no shoes and scabby knees
*Another real life example: "I'm getting tired. I have been raging for five days now"-wasted boy in tank top and eyeliner
"How long have you been here?" -Me
"Five days." -wasted boy

3. Survivor Grills
This traveler thrives on having less and is proud of it. They roll with almost nothing except for perhaps a shirt, knife, and rope and look at you with disdain as they see your big bag. One traveler literally had a hobo sack tied on a stick. The more uncomfortable the experience= the most authentic. They have an unearned sense of self satisfaction and seem to think they are starring on a show on the Discovery Channel. The dirtier the surroundings the better as this provides great bragging rights. A room with mold and bedbugs? They eat bedbugs for breakfast. Having facial hair is a bonus.
*Real life example: "All I need is a room that has a bed I don't care if it's clean." - Man #1 in Chiang Rai, Thailand
"Well I don't even need a bed I'll just sleep on the floor." -Man #2

4. The Penny Pincher
Yeah, yeah we are all able to travel due to sacrifice and saving but is it really necessary to argue to the death over 20 cents? This traveler will literally punch you over $1. They refuse to pay more than $7 per night for a room and enjoy hitchhiking and riding other people's coattails. This traveler frequently has poor hygiene and can be detected by their sour body odor. Often has dreadlocks as well-this is not a stereotype as I actually like dreadlocks I'm just being honest. Mostly eats street food for sustenance as this is cheapest.
*Real life example: We once had to wait for five minutes after one (dreadlocked) Italian dude argued over the equivalent of 40 cents with the shared taxi. Get in the damn cab and move it. And take a shower while you are at it.

5. The Transformer
Didn't fit in back in your home country? Well just come on over to Asia and reinvent yourself! This traveller might have been a nerd, goth, black sheep, or rageaholic back where they came from but here in Asia they think they are royalty. Being "Western" instantly makes you a little bit cooler and no one here knows that you wore head gear for five years or that you have daddy issues. Here you can be anyone you want. This traveller can also be running away from something back home such as debt, family, or an arrest warrant.
*Real life examples: Dorky white dude in his 20s walking around with stunning Asian girlfriend. Back at home no one gave him a second glance and in Cambodia he struck gold.
*Another real life example: Crazy dude in Chiang Mai who bums smokes from strangers, sits down at the table and attempts to befriend you, and then tries to stare you down and start a fight. That was awkward and we all know why you left home.

6. The Spiritual Narcissist
They have come on this journey to "find" themselves and "get lost" in their amazing spiritualism. Not all spiritual seekers fall into this subcategory by any means but we have met our fair share of spiritual narcissists. They enjoy talking about deep topics religion, nutrition, and holistic healing. This group is accepting of all beliefs unless of course you don't agree with theirs. They are so holistic and vegan but might use a little acid every now and then (it doesn't contain any dairy). They are inclusive towards all and want all to feel welcome until you are standing on their "sacred mountain space" and then you're not welcome. I'm generally a fan of this group and sometimes might even border on membership. However, they do need to remember to not take themselves so seriously and it's okay to eat bacon sometimes.
*Real life example: A one sided conversation with a girl in Thailand. "I'm really here on a journey. I'm a writer, a musician, I make people so happy and so many people live vicariously through me. I'm so creative and a good listener. I'm also really humble." -super humble girl
Imagine me nodding my head and smirking.

7. Red Light Johnny
This contestant is mostly male and above the age of 40, although there are exceptions to this rule (aka desperate younger guys with no game). Gray hair is a plus as is ample chest hair. Johnny is here in Asia to buy a good time. These sex tourists frequently travel in packs as this works better to hunt their prey. They can often be found drinking liquid courage early in the day and treat women like they are candy to be chosen from a vending machine. Red Light Johhnies usually prefer girls that are young enough to be their granddaughters and seem to forget that the girl (or ladyboy) has feelings and not just a vagina (or not). The Beatles obviously had not traveled to Asia yet when they wrote the song, "Cant Buy Me Love". News flash- she doesn't really like you she is a prostitute and likes your wallet. Cold hard cash can buy anyone love and friendship. You gross me out Red Light Johnny and I hope you get an STD.
*Real life example: I walked up to a few guys looking at a menu on the street. "Oh hey, what are you ordering? Oh, that's not food, those are ladies!" -Me
"You like?" -Man selling ladies from a menu
"Oh no, I've got thanks." Me pointing at Brad

8. Wide Eyed Wonder
This tourist wanders around in a stupor looking all around them with confusion. Refuses to leave the hotel room unless they are clutching their guidebook in one hand. Frequently wears backpack on the front due to suspicion of being robbed and does not care how ridiculous this looks. Likes to consult maps and will stop walking mid step right in front of you in order to do so. Is often poor at bargaining for prices and is favored by shopkeepers and taxi drivers.
Real life example: "Well, my Lonely Planet said..."-too many people.
Here's an idea- why don't you put down your guidebook and actually experience something for yourself? I literally witnessed a group of three people each carrying and reading the exact same copy of lonely planet during a sunset at Angkor Wat. Couldn't you have just shared one copy between the three of you?! Idiots.

Please give all of our contestants a round of applause for participating! Please tune in next week as the participants continue the battle royale to find out who will be crowned
Most Extreme Elimination Traveler!

Thank you for tuning in today I'm your host Ashley and I'd like to thank you for being a great audience. Keep rooting for your favorite contestant and I'll see you soon.

Until next time... And don't forget to help control the pet population by having your pets spayed and neutered. Bye bye!

I love BALI!

The following are a few mind blowing facts that I learned while in Bali. Our driver turned out to be an incredible wealth of information and I am sure he wished he had stayed quiet after I questioned him for hours about Balinese culture. I also wandered around a waterfall, jungle of spices, and the botanic garden in order to learn some fun facts. I'm not trying to write a guidebook or anything so please don't use me as a reference for any academic papers and act like I am the new Wikipedia (you probably shouldn't be using that as a source either) but rather just read for enjoyment.

1. Mace (yeah, the stuff you spray in a nasty person's face) is bright red and grows on the outside of the nutmeg seed. You peel it off the nutmeg to get to the spice. They are both located inside of a fruit looking thing that grows on a tree. Sweet and spicy all from the same time.

2. Bali is something like 92% Hindu. There are gorgeous temples located all over the island and each family has their own temple for offerings, ceremonies, and family ancestor spirits.

3. There are four classes in Bali but unlike the caste system of India each is respected and valued by the other. Women can switch castes based on marriage and your class does not determine your job or economic value. See the real Wikipedia for more details on this interesting sociological structure.

4. There are not nursing homes here in Bali. It is the expectation that families help and support each other and the youngest son is expected to live with his parents and help to take care of them, just as they took care of him when he was a child. Full circle.When we live with Brads lovely parents for a few months upon our return to Denver I am just going to tell people that it's due to my Balinese beliefs and not because I'm unemployed.

5. Balinese people make offerings of special plants, flowers, and food every day and even sometimes even multiple times a day. Their belief in their version of Hinduism is pure and don't ever insult them and insinuate that these offerings are done for tourism, as some assholes have done. Hard to believe but not everyone's life on Bali revolves around pleasing European tourists.

6. The people of Bali are extremely kind and friendly. So so sweet. They seem to radiate an inner peace that is the envy of many as that peace is what we in America struggle so hard to find. I think the gorgeous weather and beach access helps.

7. Most people in Balinese culture are cremated. Their ashes are taken and placed in the ocean so that their souls can be purified by the water. Several months later another ceremony is held and the soul is retrieved from the ocean and having been cleansed is believed to be ready for reincarnation. It was also pointed out by Dewa, our driver, that Bali is small and doesn't have a lot of room for cemeteries so this cremation serves a dual purpose. Smart man, that Dewa. Smarter than many Americans who have paid thousands of dollars for college.

8. It is believed that are three types of Karma. Direct karma, karma that takes several years, and karma in the form of reincarnation that shows up in your next life. You can be reincarnated as an animal if you do bad deeds in your previous life, or even as an insect if you do unthinkable acts. Your pain and suffering in life is related to your previous karma as is your happiness and joy.

9. Cloves grow on trees. They are pink and green and you pull them off the tips of the branches. After leaving them in the sun to dry out they turn brown and look like the cloves we see in the grocery store. Most cloves here are harvested by hand and smell fantastic.

10. There is a village called Trunyan in Bali that is only reachable by boat as it is across an old volcanic lake. They are very famous for their death rites. Rather than cremating their dead as most do in Bali this village places the body on a special tree called Taru Menyan. Somehow this amazing tree pulls the smell from the decomposing body and the body remains until the forces of nature have disintegrated the tissue leaving behind skeletal remains. The skull is then placed into their temple for honor. Women of the village are not permitted into the cemetery for fear of a natural disaster happening. I am very curious how that later belief developed as it seems like some unlucky lady of the past was obviously blamed for an earthquake because obviously women control nature. Everyone knows that just think American Gladiator names such as Ice, Blaze, Zap. If I was a gladiator I would be Tsunami.

11. There are mega fruit bats on Bali and I met one named Rasta. He has a broken wing and lives in a tree at a restaurant we have been frequenting. He screeches when he is hungry and we got to feed him a few pieces of watermelon. He had a surprisingly cute little furry bat face. These mega bats are also called flying foxes (he is quite furry) and these bats even have very decent color vision! Hardly blind as a bat. He was giving me a serious, "bitch hand over that fruit in your hand and stop taking photos" side eye.

12. Brad is irritatingly good at athletic things. He rented a surfboard for one hour, never having attempted this before, and was able to pop right up like a champ. He had a few minor falls but nothing that warranted any great laughs. Who goes surfing and is able to do it in less than an hour with no lessons?! That guy. Ridiculously good looking AND athletic.

13. Muslims and Hindus live side by side here in Bali with great respect for one another. Even during the infamous Bali bombings ten years ago the Balinese Hindus did not retaliate against the Muslims and continued to pray for them, pray for peace, and treat one another with respect understanding that a few bad apples doesn't ruin the entire bunch. Interesting concept.

14. Traditional Balinese dishes involve many of my favorite things including super fresh seafood, lemongrass, shallots, garlic, coconut, chili, fresh satay, vegetables, palm sugar, and herbs such as mint and cilantro. YUM! Mee means noodles and Nasi means rice here. I learned the recipe for traditional satay here email me if you are interested- must have mortar and pestle.

15. Villages in Bali have committees and members (mostly men) serve to create a tight knit sense of community. There is no social welfare system here and it is neighbors that help neighbors in times of need. Divorce is not common either as the committee is involved and has to approve. The community all celebrates weddings, births, and mourns deaths together. In Denver I didn't even know my next door neighbor's name.

16. The Balinese have a special calendar called the Wuku for mostly religious purposes. There are 30 weeks in a cycle, better known as an oton. There are two otons in a year and one Balinese year consists of 420 days. The calendar helps them to recognize many auspicious days such as the best day for farming, weddings, cutting one's hair, digging a well, castrating animals, and much more. Each month has specific days for different purposes. Tomorrow (the 25th) is the best day for going hunting and starting a business. The 26th of June is the best day for learning, purifying one's self, and training livestock. They obviously follow the traditional solar calendar that the rest of the world follows for business purposes but the Wuku determines all religious holidays. I live training livestock day!

17. It is believed that many things have spirits. There is a special day here to celebrate the birthday of trees and a special day for the birthday of animals. There are many annual holidays such as an upcoming holiday celebration to honor iron tools and other metal equipment such as hammers, motorbikes, and cars. June 30th you should say a little prayer for your motor vehicles and saws. Without knives you wouldn't be able to cut that watermelon for the 4th of July.

18. Pineapples grow on bushes, lychee grows on trees, and dragon fruit grows on a cactus. We still are not sure how star fruit grows.

19. You can get an hourlong amazing facial and head massage for $10. Hell yes!

There are a whole lot of other things I could share with you but I'm just so wasted on sunshine and saltwater. I also ate too much sea bass and chocolate lava cake at dinner so I have to go lay down I'm in the midst of a food coma.

I could stay in Bali for a year I absolutely love it here. It truly lived up to its reputation of breathtaking paradise. Alas, we have to leave tomorrow as we head back to Bangkok for a few final days of fun before our grand return to the States.

Bali... So hot right now.

Shiny shells and deep thoughts

The waves of Gili Trawangan softly crash on the white sand shores, their crests bringing little shells and chunks of coral to the surface. During low tide the turquoise waters retreat back into the ocean and begin to break on the rocky outcropping of coral that surrounds the island. Palm trees sway in the breeze and seem to dance to the call to prayer heard five times daily from the Muslim Mosque nearby. With no cars, no cable, and no interruptions it's almost like being on Gilligan's Island except with much better food and Bintang beer and Sangria. I seriously love it here. As I drink my glass of Lombak coffee this morning I find myself feeling a little sad already thinking about the return back to Bali tomorrow.

Each day I have found myself going for a walk and looking for a specific type of shell, called "Shiva's Eye". These flat shells have a beautiful spiral and were once the trapdoor to a type of snail's shell but at the end of the snail's life they release them into the ocean. These shells are supposed to bring great energy and symbolize wisdom and the flow of life. In the beginning it was all about the hunt for the shell but the past few days it has become about something else. Looking for these shells has become my own walking meditation. I walk, and look, and am completely immersed in one moment in time and no other. Sometimes i will sing while I walk but I am just aware of looking and noticing things around me with no other thoughts. This time of being completely in the present is such a gift as I find that to be so rare in my crazy mind that is constantly swirling with ideas. During this time I am filled with a contented quiet.

Brad and I are different types of "thinkers". I spend a large majority of my time thinking about the future. At times this can be positive as it helps me to plan ahead proactively but the majority of the time it doesn't really provide great benefit. I think about what I want to do later, where I am going next, what I am going to eat for dinner, what future problem might arise, what I will do when the future problem arises, etc. I have been like this for the majority of my life- always thinking about the next step and what's to come. Whether I am excited about something to come or dreading something in the future it's always about the next thing. Brad on the other hand is a past thinker. He lets the future come as it may but spends a lot of his time reflecting upon the positive choices and regrets of his past. He spends his time "sifting through shattered memories to piece together the past" (his words). Not all of his reflection is negative by any means as it helps to create more positive choices in the present and the future but this self reflection can be painful and we all know you cannot change what has already happened. So here we are, the yin and the yang, future and past thinkers. Where does that leave the present?

During those wonderful walks, known as my shell meditations, I am aware of just that moment. I came to this self realization during one such walk and I suddenly knew that living in the moment is one of the integral keys to inner peace. Thinking too much about the past can bring a sense of regret or longing and focusing too much on the future promotes anticipation and often times anxiety or fear. We cannot know what is going to happen and we cannot change the past but we can live completely by embracing the current moment.

As the trip comes to a close I have chosen to not focus on the sadness of the impending end or the anxiety of the unknown future but rather enjoy each moment that comes my way. In the past few days we have seen bioluminescent plankton, snorkeled with sea turtles and shipwrecks, touched starfish in tide pools, and felt the grains of sand between our toes during those long walks on the beach.

Where do you spend your time? Are you someone who is lost in the swallows of the past, races ahead in your mind to the future, or envelops yourself in the simplicity of the moment? It's not an easy task to lead our minds where we want it to go but ultimately it is our own choice. It's easy to find beauty in your day if you are simply living in the moment without expectation or comparison- oh that wicked concept of comparison. We have to look towards the past to remember the roots of who we have become and we have to anticipate the future to know who we want to be but don't ever forget the present moment of who you are, right this second. Instead of spending my day today thinking of what is going to come tomorrow I am going to enjoy each minute of being in the present and feel blessed to be surrounded by those crystal blue waters on Gili T island.

Bali Bliss and a little Gili T!

Today I received two great messages from friends. The first was a heartfelt message thanking me for writing these blogs and reading that message from her made my heart swell. The second message I received was one reminding me to update my blog as it has been too long. Touché. I have been going through a selfish phase as I embark on these last few weeks in Bali. I also am not sure how to even describe it here without sounding like a big bragging asshole,"my life is so great I'm in BALI" type but here goes. Ask and ye shall receive.

Bali is pretty much as you would expect- magnificent. We were promptly picked up at the airport and greeted with cool fresh washcloths and bottled water. Please note I will also be expecting this treatment from my friends when picking me up from anywhere in the future. Im not getting in the car without a cool washcloth and a smile. We arrived at our super cute B&B and headed straight for the beach without delay.

You can imagine my great shock when I soon witnessed a girl holding a baby sea turtle by the shore. It was just a baby and flapped its tiny turtles toes as she gently placed it into the waters of freedom. As much as I told myself I was not going to be a sucker and spend a bunch of money to hold a sea turtle I knew I was just lying to myself. I didn't give a damn what it cost this was true love and I needed to feel that little turtle heartbeat in my hand. But how could i justify the cost? A wonderful idea sprang into my head. Turtles are my mom's "spirit animal" (my words, not hers) and I would buy this turtle and set it free in her honor of her upcoming birthday! So for the bargain price of $28 I am now the proud mama of my adopted sea turtle daughter, named Lisa Hazelgrove Garbin Turtle. This adoption was a bit of a joke as they didn't even do a background check or drug test. They just let me pick my 10 week old turtle child, we took some photos together, I whispered a few words of advice (don't trust the extremely good looking turtles they will break your heart, don't drink too much saltwater and make a fool of yourself) and then I set her free in the warm waters of Bali. She swam off to freedom as I waved goodbye. Kids... They just grow up so fast and before you know it they are gone. At least I will always have the souvenir photo to remember her by. The money actually goes towards an important conservation project so I supported a positive cause and selfishly fulfilled a dream of holding a sea turtle. With my support she will live a long happy life and I just know she's got potential to really make a difference in the lives of other marine creatures.

The next day we went to an amazing Balinese market and I participated in some retail therapy to forget about the loss of Lisa H.G. Turtle. Ooh the shopping in Bali is splendid. After a few hours we went back to the beach and selected our fresh snapper and tiger prawns and ate a phenomenal dinner with our toes in the sand. Food tastes better with your shoes off and the sun setting in the distance.

The next morning I tried one of Indonesia's claims to fame- coffee Lewak. Literally the most expensive coffee in the world. The fresh coffee cherry is eaten off the plant by a civet, which is a marsupial/cat like creature of sorts. It then poops out the actual coffee bean which is collected, further shelled, cleaned, and roasted. Due to the digestion process it is believed to somewhat ferment the bean and give it all sorts of beneficial health properties. I was horrified at first but then decided to live by Brad's credo of "yes to life" so I had a cup of that special joe and it really wasn't so bad. A little bitter but I think that was the point. I do enjoy expensive things so it was a worthwhile experience but I believe I would still prefer a good old fashioned caramel latte. Civet poo coffee- check.

We also embarked upon a white water rafting journey near the town of Ubud. I didn't really believe there were class 4 rapids here in Bali and I turned out to be extremely wrong. It was just as intense as being in Colorado but different, as the river was much more narrow and the rapids continuous. The vegetation on the cliffs all around us was tropical and overgrown and a ridiculous number of gorgeous waterfalls spouted out from overhead. It somehow seemed prehistoric and I couldn't shake the sensation that a stegosaurus was going to come tromping out of the jungle at any point. In between moments of complete panic and exhilaration i would find myself singing the theme song from Jurassic Park. Thankfully rafting was a blast and everyone stayed in the raft despite several close calls. I would have to say the scariest moment of the day was when we stopped at a waterfall for a few photos and I looked down at my leg to see a leech trying to hitch a ride and catch a quick meal. I got it off quickly before it attached but I was so preoccupied with leech thoughts I forgot to be scared of the rapids for a good ten minutes. After our rafting extravaganza came to a close we headed out for hot stone massages. It had been a tough day and my arm hurt from all that paddling. For the bargain price of $9.50 Brad and I each got an 80 minute hot stone massage from little Balinese girls with hands of steel. Just a word of warning- if you are modest at all I would not recommend getting a massage in Asia as my butt was being massaged with a hot stone at one point. Talk about vulnerable.

We left Bali and headed off via fast boat to a far more deserted island called Gili Trawangan. Bali is actually quite large with 4 million people who reside there on a consistent basis. Traffic is ferocious and it takes hours to drive to various points on the island. When we arrived on Gili T we found that there are no cars or motorcycles, only horse drawn carriages and bicycles. You can walk the entire island in 2 hours. The water is turquoise, it's surrounded by coral reefs, the sand is white, and I am in absolute paradise. I must have it known though that I am refusing to take the horse carriages as I do not think they are humane and the horses look thirsty. Many of you know my stance on horse carriages and I have been known to shout,"Free the Horses!" and verbally abuse those who ride them in cities. Assholes. You are asking for my verbal lashing if you are riding down 16th street in one of those carriages you should be taking a taxi like normal people. At least this is not Denver or Charleston though and there are not cars and trucks and pollution whizzing past the horses making the situation worse. I would still like to free the horses but on an island this small they really have no where to go. I guess no place is perfect although this is as close as it can be. I have now also seen firsthand what a lack of freshwater there is on tropical islands. I swim in saltwater in the ocean and then have to shower in saltwater. Super salty. Freshwater is so expensive that most hotels pipe saltwater in the rooms. Oh the things we take for granted at home-I realized the other day it has been six months since I have brushed my teeth using water from a faucet. Don't get me wrong though I love being here on a tropical island and saltwater showers are a minor inconvenience.

Gili T is a tropical paradise of sun, sand, shells, seafood, and wifi access. Tomorrow I have a big day including eating breakfast, renting a bicycle, and swimming/reading on the beach. I think I will also do some snorkeling on the amazing coral reefs. I could not be more at peace out in the middle of this tiny island in Indonesia.

Malaysia truly Asia

I had no idea what to expect when we first arrived in Malaysia. I don't know anyone who has ever been here and we actually ended up coming due to cheap flights and Kuala Lumpur being a major transportation hub for Air Asia. I knew that Mugatu from the movie Zoolander had a big problem with the Prime Minister but that was about the extent of my knowledge of Malaysia. When on an organically evolving six month journey you sometimes just end up wherever the wind blows you. In this case the wind had excellent taste. I am officially a big fan of Malaysia.

Two weeks is not enough time in this beautiful country. We only got to Kuala Lumpur, Penang, and Pangkor which is only a fraction of what Malaysia has to offer. Rainforests and palm trees splash across the lush and hilly landscape. It is hot and humid here which allows plants and forests to thrive. Penang has Georgetown, a historic oasis with crumbling brick painted buildings that make you feel like you walked back in time. Pangkor is a charming unpretentious island with a laid back beach vibe and blue green waves that crash onto secluded beaches. Kuala Lumpur is a unique blend of cultures with old and new growth intermixed among mosques and temples. We stayed at the most mediocre hostel in Kuala Lumpur, the highest ranked B&B of Malaysia in Georgetown (Campbell House), and the loveliest guest house in Pangkor where we felt like part of the host's family (Nipah Guest House). I wanted to take their little daughter, Aila, with us as she was ridiculously sweet.

I wish I had more time to visit Melaka, the Cameroon Highlands, Palau Tioman, and Langkawi to name a few. It is pretty easy to get from place to place and I must give Malaysia props as the very reasonable busses here are pretty swanky. One bus even had reclining seats with your own leg rests! The ability of the people here to speak English is also music to my ears. Although Malay is the recognized main language this has been one of the easiest counties to communicate in using English. Take note, China.

We ate more food than two people should consume and I put back on the pounds I lost in China. Street food is king here in Malaysia with culturally rich dishes that are different than anywhere else in Asia. Mee Goreng, Wan Tan Mee, banana pancakes grilled in banana leaves, laksa fish soup- heavenly with a touch of spice. The seafood in Malaysia is spectacular and you can get phenomenal fresh fish, squid, and tiger prawns for less than $10. I'm talking gourmet dishes here. Indian food? Got it. Middle eastern? Check. Chinese? Sure thing. There is something for every taste and palate that can be found and we have been stuffing ourselves. I will miss you food carts.

Over the past two weeks we have seen some amazing sights too. The cave creatures at Batu Caves terrified me. The wild monkeys in Pangkor showed me who's boss- even though they come up to my knee I'm not messing with them. The waves dominated me one day and i lost yet another pair of sunglasses. We have encountered monitor lizards and giant millipedes. The rainforest in Malaysia is extremely important and houses some spectacular creatures and plant species we just don't see in America. One of my favorite Malaysian memories is feeding the hornbill birds each night at sunset. They will even eat bananas straight out of your hand with their crazy big beaks. They are such majestic and beautiful creatures soaring through the air during twilight.

Where else in the world can you fight with a monkey, buy a benjo (egg sandwich with sweet cheese, chili, and vegetables) for $1 on the street, and swim at the beach next to a woman dressed in a full burka? Even though I am dressed differently than most people here and obviously not Muslim we have experienced nothing but kindness and hospitality. Malaysia has once again shown the diversity of Asia with it's own distinct flavor. Would I come back here? In a heartbeat. The theme song of a popular commercial here goes, "Malaysia truly Asia, it's the place with it all!" Well, other than snow, you do appear to have "it all". Thank you for an eye opening two weeks of fun.

Tomorrow we head off to Bali to begin our final leg of this Asian invasion. I feel like we have earned some time laying on some of the world's most beautiful beaches- let the party begin.

Brad turns 32!

Today marks the historic anniversary of a monumental event that happened 32 years ago (back when the dinosaurs still roamed the Earth). One unicorn was born onto Earth and this forever changed the face of the future. Today we celebrate this glorious occasion we call B-day, or the birth of Brad. Today's celebration began at a luxury B&B (room photo below) with a scrumptious breakfast of Eggs Florentine and has continued with a fantastic 4 hour bus ride to Pulau Pangkor. Some of our fellow bus riders under the age of three were being quite vocal (celebrating B-day really gets the kids riled up) and after the seemingly never ending celebration we were finally able to get to the ferry port and head onward. What a party! They even overpacked the boat due to the massive turnout of guests. This was quite a way to ring in a new year for Brad. Here's to getting another year wiser!

I will also use this blog to announce our return back to the old US of A. We will be in Malaysia for another week after which we head to Bali, Indonesia for two weeks of swimming and sunshine. We quickly head to Bangkok for a few days and then fly to Chicago for the grand return just in time to celebrate the 4th of July. We plan to stay in Iowa for a few weeks and then head back to Denver somewhere around the 18th or 19th of July. America.... F-yeah!

I would like to thank four amazing individuals who helped to make this trip a reality. Without their love and support we never could have done it. Jeff and Lisa Garbin... Doug and Nancy Paterson... We salute you. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Between the generous monetary donations, helping us move, holding on to our belongings, watching Sir Lucius, solving randomly occurring problems, and everything else you made it possible for us to follow a dream and see the world. Your support and love has helped us to carry on no matter the obstacles we faced. Love you all very, very much. We hope we have done you proud.

As the end is in sight I cannot help but reflect on all the changes that have taken place. It's amazing to think that so many days have passed so quickly and although I'm very excited to return to my family, friends, and comforts I also have a slight sense of mild anxiety about rejoining the "real" world again. We have grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle over the past five months and I know I'm in for some reverse culture shock. I present to you a list of upcoming changes so you can also ponder my reality.

What will it be like...
1. To have a cell phone and just be able make a phone call? Anytime, anywhere? Midnight phone calls commence!
2. To sleep in the same place each night and not carry my things on my back? This should greatly decrease my intense fears of bed bugs, not to mention help my lower lumbar.
3. To have to pay American prices on things you can buy for a fraction of the price in other places? Pad Thai should cost $1 everywhere. Period.
4. To have clothing options. I currently start my day saying, "which of my four shirts do I hate the least today?" Don't you judge me when you see my pictures and I'm always wearing the same thing I did do laundry occasionally.
5. To know what time it is. I have almost lost the whole concept of time other than wondering when this bus and ferry ride will be over.
6. To have access to a computer. iPod touch you have been great but your screen is just too damn tiny for adequate Internet surfing.
7. To get into a car and just go somewhere. Oh glorious freedom. No arguing with cabs, no getting lost on public transportation, no trying to read confusing diagrams for the subway. Just me and the open road!
8. To hear people bitching about things that seem completely ludicrous given the things we have seen. Americans are a pretty lucky bunch overall let me tell you.
9. To be able to hang out with friends- oh how we have missed you! You better have lots of good stories upon our return.
10. To get a job. Someone please remind me- what's a resume, again?
11. To be able to understand people and have them understand me. I can finally ask questions about food on the menu without my order getting totally mucked up. Yes, we have somehow ordered two of the same thing.
12. To be able to eavesdrop again. One of my favorite hobbies that also fills me with anger now and then. If you are talking loudly at a coffee shop you are practically begging me to listen.
13. To not walk into a bathroom only to find the dreaded "squattie potty"? I hate it when there is no toilet and only a hole in the ground. I'm sorry, girls cannot "aim". Ladies you know what I'm talking about. Penises have the advantage for squatties, as there is rarely any toilet paper either.
14. To have to do adult things like find a place to live, set up Exel, find Internet, pay bills, etc. Ugh the horror! At least we will be crashing with the Patersons for awhile since we are low on funds. We are now accepting donations in the way of money and food. Unfortunately I doubt those donations qualify for a tax write off but don't let that deter you. Oh yeah, paying taxes...ugh.

Overall we are looking forward to all the great things America has to offer and we can't wait to party it up when we get home. In the meantime please join me in celebrating Brad today whether that be through a memory, cake, or just pouring out a little of your drink for your homie. If you don't want to waste any alcohol you could also have an extra beer. He is one of the best people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and I cherish each day we spend together on this trip! Our accommodation for tonight is also featured in today's photos- the A frame cottage is another one of Brad's picks. Happy birthday Brad and here's to many more!

Treat yo'self.

We just stayed in a guesthouse with a view of the beach. An unswimmable beach because of an eclectic mishmash of rubbish items but breathtaking from afar none the less. We had our pick of the individually themed rooms and after careful deliberation we went with "morning dew" because the name was so masculine. Ash chose bathroom soap from a frickin' menu. The next day we spent the entire daylight reading, surfing the net, napping, and listening to Asian covers of American classics on the CD player. For dinner we ate inside an actual ship that had food that reminded me of Red Lobster, yes!

The next morning we went to the clean beach a few km up the road and played in the super mean waves, I still have sand in my ears, and watched the water sports go on from a shady spot. At one point the unlicensed Malay boat drivers displayed their novice when the rope pulling two parasailers got twisted around a banana boat with 6 young adults on it and flipped it over sending the parasailers slamming into the ocean. At least no one drown and no one was decapitated.

We headed to our next hotel after the show and checked in. If you have not seen the show Parks and Rec then I should explain that two characters on the show have a time each year that they call 'treat yourself' where they throw caution to the wind and spend money on extravagant things. We have begun such a holiday at this point on our trip it seems. Pineapple welcome drinks; treat yo'self. Our ceiling fan has a remote: treat yo'self. There is a TV and a DVD player; treat yo'self. Espresso machine; treat yo'self. Stained glass windows and organic free trade products in the bathroom; treat yo'self! And just outside our window is one of the greatest cities in the world for cuisine. One of CNN's
top ten if you believe what they say. Street food is the greatest!

Sometimes it's hard for me to spend a bunch of dough on myself. I think about what if something happens and I need that money? Most times I think I would rather go without something I don't really need so Ash can use the money for her stuff. Ash said 'not this time Brad' and forced me to do something nice for myself for my 32nd birthday. Feeling old? Treat yo'self. Another grey hair? Treat yo'self!

Today I might jump around and run from place to place just because I can.

I think I see some CAVE CREATURES!

After the great bed bug fiasco of 2012 Brad and I were determined to have a good second day in Kuala Lumpur. After a few perfunctory travel details were taken care of we headed off braving the public transportation in search of Batu Caves.

Upon arrival we were both a bit unsure. Malaysia is a virtual melting pot of cultures and home to Asians, Middle Easterners, and Indians. Batu caves houses Hindu shrines and it was almost like walking back into India due to the religious paraphanelia and amount of garbage. I quickly noticed one of my arch enemies present- wild monkeys. Ever since that fateful day in India I have never trusted those little opposable thumb wielding rascals. We attempted to stay far away from the multitude of monkeys sorting through trash as we climbed the 200 steps to the top.

The main Batu Cave was a bit of a disappointment. Beautiful natural cavern filled with unkempt shrines, trash, graffiti, and people. We took a few photos and began our descent when we noticed a sign for another cave, aptly named "Dark Cave".

I love the Planet Earth BBC series. Those of you who saw the caves episode might remember a certain cave in Borneo filled with the creepiest of things. I swore that was hell on Earth and I would never go to a place like that. Little did I know where my reality was heading.

We paid about $10 apiece and after waiting our group of six entered the cave with our guide, a super happy Malaysian girl who had recently earned her biology degree. We were each handed a little flashlight. Bats screeched and chirped from overhead although they were next to impossible to see. We began to tromp through the cave on a narrow path and I tried not to gag at the heavy smell of ammonia from the guano (bat poop). This cave is one of the most researched tropical caves in the world and Brad was overjoyed to be inside of it. I was scared and had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

The cave was created millions and millions of years ago from coral and shells as once upon a time Malaysia was under water. As the land changed and the limestone was created it surfaced from water and eventually formed a karst. Acidic rainwater seeped down and over millions of years it created a hole in the karst and then over time a cave formation. We began our descent into the cave and got to a section where there was a skylight and we could see many bats flying in a circle overhead. We continued until the light started to dissipate and our guide suddenly stopped. She instructed us to shine our flashlights out into a pit of darkness, which turned out to be a pit of guano. She estimated the pit to be between 3 to 6 feet deep. Upon closer look I saw that it looked like it was moving- it was like a carpet of cockroaches crawling all over the bat poop! She told us the cockroaches feed on it and then she suddenly shined her flashlight at our feet, shouting out, "Surprise!"

That sneaky betch. This was a surprise of the worst kind. Crawling around by my open backed shoes were cockroaches ranging in size from 1/2 inch to 2 inches. I yelped in disgust and jumped back from the side. Since there is no sun inside guano is actually the main life source within the cave. It smelled, quite literally, like shit.

We continued on the tour occasionally stopping to look at gorgeous cave formations and the occasional creepy cave spider. I was distracted though, shining the light near my feet trying to scare away the disgusting cockroaches. I was busy contemplating how I had even gotten here when Brad suddenly shined his light on the wall. Not two feet away from us was a monster- a real monster. An ten inch, million legged man eating centipede!

The real truth was that the centipede's body was at least 4-5 inches long with probably about 30 legs that were each also several inches long. It was one of the largest bugs I have ever seen in my life. Standing next to it in that dark cave it seemed to be the size of a small cocker spaniel. This is the mother of all cave predators that eats all the other insects- the cockroaches, spiders, and cave crickets. But that centipede was hungry for more and I think he liked the look of me. Just as I was pondering this thought the guide chirped out, "okay everyone turn off your flashlight! I want you to experience the real dark of the cave."

This betch was truly crazy. I was the last one to reluctantly turn off my flashlight. As I tried to see my hand in front of my face I realized I couldn't see a thing. It was the darkest dark I have ever not seen. There I stood surrounded by creatures from horror movies in the pitch black. I grabbed onto Brad and stood on one toe as I began to have a literal panic attack. I started sweating and yet was cold. My heart raced and each second felt like a year. I felt like I was going to throw up/run and then she called out,"okay! Turn on your light!" I was the first light on. Here I was literally living the episode of Planet Earth Caves. Personal hell.

We continued through the cave for another period of time until we came to a gigantic cavern with a skylight. Glorious light poured in and I felt a gleeful sense of relief. This was somewhat short lived when I learned that we were in one of the only caves in the world that housed the elusive trapdoor spider. This is the rarest spider on earth that freakishly survived from the Jurassic period 250 million years ago. Now there are only 100 or so left in the cave due to inbreeding, those horrendous centipedes, and human interference. I was very concerned about seeing one until she told me that I would have to go on the "adventure tour" to see one up close even though they are around. Um, what the hell was I on if not the adventure tour? There was a tour even more extreme?! She said yes and in that one you have to crawl through parts on your stomach. Thanks, but I'll pass on that I've seen what's crawling around here.

After checking out a flow-wall, more beautiful formations, and more nasty centipedes we came upon some cave crickets. Brad wants me to tell you all that cave crickets are non- photo tactic (which means they do not react to light, unlike cockroaches). There is also a worm in the cave who can actually regenerate when split into two, or three, or five. Brad also wants me to tell you that this worm has a special stem cell and if scientists can duplicate this regeneration in humans we might one day be able to eat our hand when hungry and have it grow back later. It's pretty amazing the way creatures who live in the dark react and adapt to their environment. There is also a cave snake that can use the rocks to climb the cave walls and wait for bats to fly into his open mouth.

After about 45 minutes inside we slowly made our way back out of the cave and I gingerly walked each step. As I stood in the entryway of limestone that was 400million years old I was astounded by the natural habitat within the cave. Even after my brush with the terrifying cave creatures I had proved to myself that I am stronger and braver than I give myself credit for. Suddenly, based on these terrifying creatures within, those stupid bedbugs didn't seem quite so bad.

As we walked back down the 200 steps we bypassed those damn monkeys who were trying to steal a little girl's juice. Bunch of jerks. A few of them gave me the side eye but generally left me alone. Then we treated ourselves to an ice cold coconut filled with fresh coconut water and hopped back on the metro.

Planet Earth caves episode, indeed.

Part 2- sweet dreams!

When leaving for this trip I had all sorts of concerns. I want to be a free flowing "ah no worries it will work out" type of gal but in all reality I am one of those "imagine many worst case scenarios and all my reactions to them" types. I drive myself crazy with it sometimes but other times it serves me well as it helps me to be a forward thinker. Quitting my conventional life and traveling throughout Asia is no small choice and a multitude of concerns arose. What if my bank card doesn't work in all countries? What if someone tries to rob me in a dark alley India? What if someone tries to slip drugs into my (nonexistent) surfboard at the airport and I am arrested for Heroin smuggling? What if a mosquito gives me the dreaded malaria? What if I cannot find tampons? Luckily for me the majority of these concerns have thus far proven to be a waste of my time and energy but unfortunately for me I have recently had to deal with one of my great fears. Ladies and gentleman, I have been turned into a walking cliche.

I am happy to report that Brad's toe has made a 97% recovery and he is now appreciating each and every step he takes. He believes the weight of the backpack and the hill caused something called "turf toe". I, however, have not been faring quite as well. You might remember that itchy neck he mentioned in part 1 of this blog series. When we arrived in Malaysia I had him really take a good look at what was going on back there and causing me such discomfort. Now I have dealt with some gnarly stuff before while teaching preschool including ringworm (uuuugh) but even I was blown away by what he found. 24 bites all over the back and sides of my neck and upper back. Ding, ding ding! Tell the lady what she has won... A case of "you've been bitten by bedbugs!"

I was distraught. One of my worst fears traveling throughout Asia had come true and I was flipping out. I immediately did what any sane person should never do- I went straight to google. I looked at pictures, forums about what to do, and generally worked myself up into a complete frenzy. Never under any circumstance do i recommend this behavior as it only made me feel worse. How could this have happened to me?! Where?! I shower each day and I usually check the beds of places I stay! I had met many travelers along the way who nonchalantly mentioned their bout with the bed beasts but naively I though I was safe from their wrath.

The truth was I had gotten lazy about checking because I was staying somewhere nice. I knew it had happened while I was staying in Macau. I wanted so desperately for it to have been the craphole we stayed at in Hong Kong but my gut told me otherwise. We had spent one night in this basement room (scene of the crime) and then upgraded to a suite by chance. Other than the musty smell the basement room had been lovely. I have since learned though that bedbugs do not discriminate. They are not prejudice and don't care where they stay- they enjoy the lap of luxury just as much as the next person as long as they get a meal. Rich people, poor people, we all taste the same. I'm sure after I left the room they put their tiny little hands on their tiny little hips and had a good laugh at my expense. "Ha ha ha check out that sucker backpacker thinking she is safe cause she is not at a hostel. We'll showed her!" Then they probably took a nap on the luxurious down pillows.

After calling my mom I finally did what any self respecting 28 year old would do- I had myself a little cry. Brad was amazing throughout this ordeal asking me what he could do. I have a flair for dramatics and responded with,"nothing, except cut off my neck!". He just smiled and hugged me and told me it would be okay. We got a hold of his brother, an amazing doctor, who told me to take Benadryl and stop freaking out. He also told me to stop googling as that doesn't make anyone feel better. I trust him immensely so I put away the iPod and went to sleep.

The next morning I lay curled up in a ball of depression as Brad put on a head lamp and shook out each and every piece of clothing from our luggage. He searched but found no freeloaders. I finally roused myself and together we went and found a laundromat and washed the majority of our items in hot hot water. We bought rubbing alcohol and doused all our bags just in case anyone hitched a ride. We also bought baby powder in hopes of helping with the mad itching i was facing. Brad willingly spent our first day in Kuala Lumpur helping me and I could not have done it without him. That my friends is true love.

I felt skanky and dirty the day I found out, as if this was something I should be embarrassed about. Bed bugs happened to dirty people I thought. However that's not true and if you have a pulse and breathe out carbon dioxide this too could be your tale. I refuse to be a victim swathed in embarrassed silence. I emailed the hotel and to their credit they were extremely embarrassed and apologetic and they have offered to give me a refund for the night of the incident. I do not even blame them persay as I am sure they had no knowledge that some previous traveller had left behind a few little party guests. I just appreciate that the hotel is taking steps to make it right- bed bugs in Asia are more common than you might think. The paranoia for me is now even worse than the actual bites and I am having trouble sleeping as I am constantly convinced something is on me. Hopefully with time (and perhaps therapy) this will lessen. I have checked the bed in Malaysia no fewer than 12 times.

So here we are, five days later with a healing foot and 24 healing excessively itchy bug bites. I am proud to say that I am moving on and and refuse to let a few bugs ruin my trip. All part of the adventure.

Good night, sleep tight , and don't let the bedbugs bite.

China exodus pt. 1 by Brad

Since we left the Chinese mainland we have hit some rough patches. Frankly traveling 1125 miles south and staying in a new city every few days in order to catch a flight that has already been booked can be tiring. It was good to arrive in Hong Kong, the English prevalence and increased food choices offered a welcome release from the ways we had grown used to in China. Some things were just not going right though. Our room was crap and tiny and the only one basically under 100$ we could find that didn't look like we would be robbed if we ever left it. It did have a whopping 2 English tv channels though!

We went out that night and got into a heated discussion about how I am not classy enough to match my age. We quite ironically ended the night on a park bench discussing our thoughts drinking cheap beer and malt wine coolers of various colors in front of a fountain whose pool was literally a giant arrow pointing directly at us as if to say, "look at these high-so socialites." We would have gone to a bar but we couldn't afford it because we had to wait 'til the morning for the ATM to work again.

The next day we found out that seizing Hong Kong is really hard and 2 full days is not enough in a city of 20 million plus people. We had to miss out on a temple and I had to talk myself down from this crazy rushed feeling that was wholly new for me on this trip. It was almost as if the cloth watch I wear from Lao was trying to move its stitched hands to count real minutes. I calmed and walked slower and felt better watching black and white lemurs bound and wrestle at the free zoo.

We rode a historic tram to overlook the hong kong skyline. It went lovely until while buying hot chocolate, we realized that I had misplaced 30$ at lunch. Quite quickly we had another "heated argument" this time regarding certain responsibilities I may or may not possess and Ashley's talent with details and who does the most work for our travels. I know what you readers are thinking, "Ashley really is detail oriented!"

The night ended with us safely in our cramped pod drifting to sleep to the muffled traffic music. The next morning I awoke with new resolve to catch details, count change with precision and read until I understand. After forgetting to refill my wallet and Ashley reminding me, we were on our way to Macau. We lugged ourselves to the ferry and successfully entered Macau. We found our hotel and after a ridiculous climb to the top of a hill which used to be a fortress, we checked into the hotel. Our room was musty and damp and had a few mosquitos flying out of the AC unit but that's nothing new. We spent most of the night at the casinos so we weren't even in the room very much anyway. My foot was aching a bit the next morning but we hit the pavement along the well traveled tourist trail around town. It was great but that's not what this entry concerns. We got lost on those spiraling and nonsensical Portuguese streets. After realizing that we had walked in a circle like we were in a fucking forest or something, we broke down and caught a bus. Back at the hotel we upgraded to a nicer room and I took a nap. I awoke to searing pain and a swollen foot. I have limped for four days now. The morning we were to leave Macau we realized we had no place to stay that night so I found a place and asked Ash what the date was. She thought I said what day do we check out and so we booked the hotel for the wrong night. Struggling not to freak out, we took the ferry across the green waters to mainland China once again, to find a hotel that very well could be full and a room we had paid for on a night we would be in a different country.

Port city Shenzen, China; a place with not a thing to offer two spent travelers who were already emotionally in Malaysia. After breaking the language barrier and sorting out the booking issue we realized we were famished. Ashley mentioned her neck was itching as we hit the working class streets refusing to eat a rip off meal at our cookie cutter airport hotel. I found solace in foodstall veggie dumplings while Ashley filled her tummy with mangosteens. The search for a decent restaurant was fruitless so we sadly made our way to the airport and sullenly shoveled McDonalds into our faces. We gingerly fell asleep late that night on our diving board bed. In the morning we left for the airport me limping and Ashley's neck itching.

to be continued...

On a side note it feels like so long ago I wrote the blog about riding the highs and swimming out of the lows. Upon further review this is still applicable but also can be explained more specifically. Water Waves are like all waves, if you increase their frequency, then their amplitude decreases. If you're tethered to another person and only have one life vest and one kick board you can use these tools in different combinations according to mood and individual strengths to navigate each peak and valley. If you are in a vacuum there will be no friction or sound as you slide from atop a cresting problem nor will there be any stopping you. Most importantly life is super complicated with combinations of rules and weird unexplainable happenings but if you are with a person you love dearly it's all good really.

People are strange, when you're a stranger

As we sit on the airplane leaving China I was thinking about the concept of nurture and cultural norms. So much of our personal habits, expectations, and mannerisms are defined by our upbringing. This morning Brad and I went to claim our free hotel breakfast and were horrified to find a traditional Chinese spread. Congee (a salty rice porridge), steamed mystery buns, lukewarm fried noodles, cabbage in some sauce, and fermented eggs stared back at me daring my stomach to undergo such a feat. I said absolutely not and hightailed it to eat an egg mcmuffin at the airport. As an American/Westerner I just cannot get down on soggy cabbage for breakfast. It's all about what you are used to though and the culture in which you grow up. Most cultural norms are simply a case of nurture. Those Chinese people were happily chomping down those dark fermented eggs while the very scent made me feel sick. I have realized while being the minority in China that here I am the strange one with the strange customs and tastes, not the other way around. I'm on their turf. The following are a list of "normal" things here in China that we find to be so bizarre and in many cases, highly amusing.

1. Crotchless pants- not just for strippers anymore! Here in China kids have taken over the Crotchless pants market. Who needs to wear a diaper when instead you can just have a hole cut out for your butt and private parts and defecate wherever you please! I cannot stop laughing at the sight of these little Asian bottoms walking away. Totally common to see kids peeing in gutters and pooping on grass. No joke. Split pants are all the rage. I tried to take a photo to show but it just seemed deeply wrong and I felt like Uncle Creepy. I guess the Chinese don't have as much diaper pollution and save some cash this way!

2. You can pick your own chicken, fish, or duck to eat at dinner! Talk about fresh- twenty minutes ago it was clucking around in a cage or swimming in a tank and now it's on your plate after you chose it for execution. People here are not so removed from their food source- see photos below. I'm thinking of starting a restaurant in America with the same concept and calling it Kentucky Fried Killer.

3. Man made nature. The very concept boggles my mind. As I have previously talked about you pay to see everything- and then some- and often this "nature" has been created by humans. Cave formations and stalagmites repaired by concrete, rocks carved to faintly resemble animals, sidewalks paths galore, grass only to look at (you don't walk on it, hello!), and man made "natural" hot springs and mud baths. We know it's not real yet somehow we still end up paying for man made nature. The real natural nature is gonna cost you too. Communism-1. Suckers-0.

4. Theatrical arguments. I have touched on this one before in a previous blog and even been the recipient of one of these tirades at the pizza restaurant. Shakespearian actors would be proud of these performances. Impassioned arguments erupt with waving arms, red faces, and lots of yelling. Someone might even go as far as pretending to "hold" someone back but it rarely ends up with actual fighting and blows. I guess since nature costs so much this is free entertainment for the masses. At first I was alarmed but now I just watch with wry amusement. I wonder if anyone is ever shouting, "Hold me back!" in Chinese...

5. Why can't we all just get in a line? In America we call it "cutting" or "budging" but in China it's just a way of life. Why stand in a line when you can just walk in front of everyone without getting called out for it? I even tried it once and totally got away with it! Personal space is also frequently lacking. People in China even look at and talk to each other in the elevator! Can you believe it? When I have called out others at train stations or restaurants for budging in front of me I am usually met with a blank stare and then ignored. Gggggrrrr. The only place that it is acceptable to budge is at the bar when you are trying to get a drink! Blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol.

6. Where has all the soap gone?! There is almost never any soap in the bathrooms- train stations, restaurants, and places that you really need it. So nasty. Just ponder that for a moment. With 1.3 billion people in a country I think soap and sanitation is pivotal. Soap fairy needs to pay a visit. True I am coming from a place that is overly concerned with sanitation but what's the point of wearing those SARS masks you see people wearing if you aren't even concerned about washing your hands?

7. I love the electric bicycles found all over but they are dangerous. Brad and I call them silent deadlies cause you don't hear them coming and suddenly your toe is almost smashed. We learned to look both ways many times when crossing the street. At night most people don't use their headlights to save on electric power so then they become silent invisible deadlies. I desperately want one back in America. So environmentally and lazy people friendly.

8. Fix that sewage problem! I hate the scent of sewage floating on the wind and seeping out of the gutters. Like many other countries in southeast Asia human waste presents a problem.

9. Group fitness. Aaah nothing warms my heart like a group of elderly people shaking it in unison on a park sidewalk. I just cant stop talking about it. It's free, it's healthy, and it's endlessly amusing to watch. It is also a lot harder than it looks to catch on to each dance routine. Watch out for the swords group at the park if you are trying to walk around them. America is seriously missing out on these group fitness in public spaces classes- let me tell you. Grandma and grandpa, young and old together in the name of fitness and fun.

10. Smoking everywhere! Puff puff puff. People even hold a cigarette in one hand and their baby in another. It's one thing if you want to make the choice to poison yourself with those nasty sticks of death but it's quite another when you are blowing smoke in my face at restaurants and public places and causing my hair to smell bad. Hong Kong and Macau have both outlawed smoking lets get with the times here China. I heard a figure that there are 350 million smokers in China- that's like the entire USA smoking. Groooooooss. Even smokers cannot possibly like it when they walk into a hotel room that smells like an ashtray from 1976. Smoking also contributes to the intense hacking and spitting everywhere, which is a whole other issue.

11. In America it's polite to eat everything someone gives you at dinner. We don't want to be rude by leaving food. I recently learned that in China it's the opposite and if you eat everything it means there was not enough food and more should come. You want to leave some to show you were taken care of properly. I think that's super cute.

12. When it's warm outside many men will just pull their shirts up around their nipples and rock it like that. I guess it's a natural air conditioner and many of them end up looking like the happy Buddha with those bellies hanging out. Brad tried it out and said it works... Gotta stay cool.

13. China has better fruit than the USA. Not genetically modified giant fruits with no taste but instead glorious fruits that fill me with wonder. Lychees, mangosteen, chinese blackberries, dragon fruit, sweet little strawberries, smallish mango things that have the consistency of peaches- so delicious. Fruit has saved me on multiple occasions.

On another note- why in the hell do you have to put your seat upright for takeoff on a plane? I just don't see the purpose! It makes me uncomfortable and I cannot see how my reclining two inches affects the takeoff or landing. Some stupid rules are the same no matter where you go. Like a renegade, though, I did not turn off my electrical device during takeoff! Can't hold me down.

See you soon Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

High rollers with Hong Kong dollars

I love Hong Kong and Macau. Hong Kong is flashy, über metropolitan while remaining quintessentially Asian, and bustling with life and lights. Macau is a funny blend of high rise flash casinos and old world Asian charm with mysterious back alley streets and a strong Portuguese influence. We were only in each place for a few days which was not nearly long enough but I'm glad I got a little taste of each of these Special Administrative Regions of China (or S.A.R.). Originally colonized by Portugal and Britain they are now both technically part of China (since the late nineties) but each place has retained their own political and economic systems so its quite different from the mainland. Here are a few of our highlights from these fantastic places!

We left mainland China and after going through customs took the MRT to Hong Kong! There are three main parts to Hong Kong but its quite easy to travel by either Metro or ferry. While there...
1. I found cheese! Yum yum welcome back into my life. Such good food in HK.
2. Kowloon lights show. If you are in the Kowloon area by the harbor you can watch the skyscrapers on Hong Kong Island flash lights and lasers set to music. Hilarious, kitschy, and totally worth 20 minutes of my time
3. Escalators on Hong Kong Island near Queens Road. That place is hilly as hell and I was certainly glad to ride on this crazy long escalator system up the hills. You can get on and off as you please and the child inside me still enjoys a ride on an escalator. Why is that so exciting?
4. Botanic Gardens/Zoological Park. Gorgeous and best of all- free! If you have never seen a good old fashioned lemur wrestling match you are missing out. I also enjoy a good flamingo sighting every now and then
5. Cable car up the Peak Tram. Very "touristy" but I loved the view of Hong Kong Island from the top of "The Peak" as it's known. We went at sunset to see it during day and night.
6. Jade market. God I loved that place- filled with things I wanted to buy. Beads, Buddhas, and jewelry...oh my!
7. Tin Hua Temple. I love me a good temple. Filled with incense and cute old Chinese people. Night market is also nearby
8. We ran out of money one night so instead of going to a bar like classy people we bought beers at the 7-11 and drank them on a park bench like the homeless people that we are. Well, I guess technically we have a home it just changes frequently from city to city. Our bench overlooked a fountain though so that classed it up a bit.

We went through customs, got on an expensive ferry, and boated off to Macau! While there...
1. Stayed at the greatest place- the hotel run by the Institute for Tourism Studies. Talk about service they are setting the standard. Included breakfast with homemade jams. I love students who are not yet jaded by the real world.
2. Casinos! Luck be a lady tonight. Water show at the Wynn, watching a dragon come out of the floor in the atrium, holding butterflies at the MGM, and more. My heart races and sings at the sound of those dinging slot machines.
3. Senado Square. Beautiful wavy cobblestone streets filled with neoclassic architecture that is a funny blend of Mediterranean and neon signs. If you want Asian beef jerky this is your place
4. St Dominic's Church. Gorgeous old Portuguese Catholic Church filled with light and also houses a sacred art museum. Macabre Jesus statues found here. We also went to the Cathedral which was built in 1622
5. Fortress of Macau and ruins of St Pauls.This place is filled with history and beauty. The climb to the top of the fortress was worth it. I also enjoyed the old cannons on display
6. Fancy lunch with cheese plate. Enough said
7. Old Protestant Cemetery. Graves from the late 1770s-1850s. Sailors, merchants, and missionaries found their final resting place here. Apparently you were lucky to live past the age of 35 back in those days- modern medicine is amazing.
8. Tom, Brad's lovely family member who resides in Macau, took us to an amazing dinner at a renowned restaurant called Fernando's. It was so unbelievably good that I even ate some- gasp- chicken! The place was located on Colane Island so we got to see another area of Macau. It was really fun to hear about Macau from someone who really knows the area. A dinner to remember. He also gave us a box of the best egg tarts I have ever eaten.
9. Gambling at the Venetian Casino on Taipa island. I wore my "high rollers" skirt for good luck and away we went to the roulette table. I hit on the first number (always play on 0) then was hooked and proceeded to lose it all. When I started getting sad I remembered that $100 Hong Kong dollars is actually less than $20US dollars. Then I spent some more since it felt like I was just playing with monopoly money. However I did not pass go to collect $200 and I would like my money back now please.

We went through customs yet again and we are now on a ferry back to Shenzhen, China where we will stay for one night before we fly to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia! We have had to stand in 6 customs lines in the past week, with 2 more to go tomorrow. As On a side note we just passed another large boat (tanker) where three Chinese men were all standing on deck in their underwear. Probably won't see that happening in America.

Before we leave China I would like to share with you a quote we recently heard from a renowned actor: "Excuse me but I'm confiscating these horses." Try to use that in a conversation at some point in your day today as that could be a euphemism for many things.

May your wild horses run free.

Also Brad wanted to add, "Free Tibet!"

Scam-Asia

A few days ago we signed up for a several hour bamboo raft ride from Guilin to Yangshuo. We happily paid our money and set off for our three hour tour. Turns out when we arrived at the pier we were only on our bamboo raft for thirty minutes and then herded onto a bigger overcrowded boat with the rest of the tourist cattle. Not only was it not what we expected but we paid more (and actually less too) than other people on the boat for the same tour. Big rip off? True it was not a Gilligans Island catastrophe and we still had a lovely time but the fact is you don't always get what you pay for. Welcome to Asia! We present to you some of the best scams, touts, and rip offs Asia has to offer compiled from stories from fellow travelers. Now that you have already read Brad's earlier sellers manual you, too, can read the following to become a con artist in Asia (or avoid travel scams during future adventures).

1. The "tea" scam (mostly China). Friendly person approaches speaking English. Offers to help you, find place, etc and suggests you stop somewhere for quick drink along the way. Thinking you have met a new friend you agree and they offer you some tea and before you and your partner know it some muscled dude comes to say you owe $50 apiece. Just happened to an English couple we met in Beijing.

2. The "wine" scam (mostly China, but happens elsewhere) Like the tea scam but involves usually single men. You meet a lady who speaks good English and she asks you to go for a drink. Little did you know you have bought her a 100 year old glass of wine and now owe your arm and a leg. She's just not that into you, only your money and her cut of it.

3. The "tour" scam (everywhere). You are almost always being ripped off paying for a tour. Whether you are trying to hike in Chiang Mai, a Mekong cruise in Lao, or take a boat to Yangshuo you are probably paying too much due to your Caucasian ancestry. Brad refers to it as skin tax. We even get charged too much when we buy fruit. We have become overly suspicious and are now guilty of "over-bartering" even when bartering for price is not an option and no one is attempting to scam us. The tour company or hotel just assumes you are passing through and that they wont hear from you again. Wrong- those people who sold me that boat tour have not heard the last of me. Guess what suckers I will be back in Guilin today so we will be having a chat. Don't make me be "nice like a cobra".

4. "Art Shop" student (China). Friendly citizen begins a conversation about where you are from (a very normal question). Oh, what a coincidence they are going there to study! Next year! How funny is that... And they also have an art shop right around the corner if you want to visit. We have not yet figured out what the end result is (rob, steal, or art at an outrageous price) but we aren't going to head there to find out.

5. Marble shop, Silk Shop, Silver Shop (India). Friendly cab driver asks if you like to shop or if you want to see how ____ is made. You ask him to just go to a market and he tells you he knows just the place, no market around. Before you know it you are inside of a silk shop being served Chai tea and shown silk swatches. Cost twice as much cause your driver gets also commission. "oh, just look you don't have to buy!" says the driver. Let me tell you when you don't want to buy the nice demeanor certainly changes. We learned to give our destination and follow it up with, "And no stops!" We did, however, end up with a little marble elephant before we wised up. No market my ass.

6. Tuk tuk gas stamps (Thailand and Cambodia). Amazing deal on a ride if you will just stop by this shop or tailor super quick so the driver can get a gas stamp for bringing the owner of the store potential prey. We have literally crawled out of a tuk tuk after refusing to go in and the driver was attempting to block us with his body. I'll show you a gas stamp buddy...

7. Poo Shoe (India) I'm not making this one up- happened to an Australian we met. An Indian shoe shiner suddenly points out you have a bunch of poo on your shoe and they will clean it for you with their little shoe cleaning kit. What you don't realize is that this is no coincidence and someone else from the poo gang just flicked it there while you weren't looking. You have fallen in the trap and are about to get charged 500 rupees for getting it cleaned off. Our new friend said he earned the nickname "shit shoe" after experiencing this gem. Animal or human feces? Your guess is as good as mine.

8. Powdered Milk ( Cambodia) A hungry child or poor mother approaches you begging for money. When you say no they then ask if you will please just buy some powdered milk for the poor child. Tug at the heartstrings and tug hard! What you don't know is that the shop is in on it and after you buy said powdered milk the person/child sells it back to the store for half price. Big profits here. We were asked for this by several kids and parents but instead I would just offer them a few bites of whatever we were eating. I do appreciate a young entrepreneurial spirit though- keep hustlin.

9. TAT office (Thailand). TAT is supposed to be the official tour office that is licensed to sell tours. Always ask for a TAT number when purchasing anything and I would recommend you shop around, look at reviews, and do your homework. Just cause it has a TAT sticker on the window doesn't mean its legit. Some people are taken to fake TAT offices and scammed for hundreds of dollars. If there are a bunch of other white people in there that doesn't mean its for real. It doesn't make it official because someone says it is. In any country just try to buy train, bus, etc straight from the station whenever possible.

10. Motorbikes Rental (take your pick of countries) You hand over your passport as a deposit (or large sum of cash) and take off for a day around your motorbike or even bicycle in some cases. When you return they are horrified and demand you pay for some scratch that has suddenly and supposedly occurred while in your care. In cases they have demanded ridiculous sums of money or police involvement. They still have your passport too so you are stuck. Some older dude we met in Thailand fought some thugs with a wrench over a "scratched" motorbike. Luckily for us when we wrecked the motorbike and legitimately messed it up it was owned by an Englishman and he was quite reasonable if not kind about the matter. Thank god, cause he also was enormous and enjoyed kickboxing.

11. Taxi Fare (everywhere) Always agree on price before you get in a cab or make them turn on the meter. Tuk-tuks everywhere are notorious for giant rip offs and while they are tremendously fun ending the ride with a yelling match is not enjoyable. Taxis everywhere in the world can be a rip off it seems. Always trying to milk the meter for all it's worth!

12. Fake visas (Thailand to Cambodia) Crossing the border from Thailand into Cambodia is a nightmare. It's a weird stretch of no man's land and everyone is trying to sell Cambodian visas. You cannot, I repeat cannot buy a Cambodian visa before you leave Thailand's border. But before you know it you have departed the bus in Thailand and have been shuffled into an office and are filling out paperwork to pay double the price of the actual visa cost. After about thirty seconds we bounced straight out of that office in Thailand and across the border. Once you cross there are more "official" places waiting to charge you to get a visa in Cambodia- skip them all and head for the real government office. Poipet is the armpit of Asia and land of scams. We opted to get our visa in Bangkok to skip that nonsense.

13. Tuk tuk to preferred guest house/hostel (Cambodia). Everyone gets a cut. You don't have a place to stay? The tuk-tuk will suggest a GREAT place and take you to their preferred hostel and when you agree to stay they get commission. Not the worst scam around- in some cases everyone actually ends up happy. Unless somehow bed bugs are involved.

14. Stolen remote/room deposit scam (Vietnam specifically but elsewhere too) When you check out of your room you are told your remote is missing, a towel gone, etc. You are then expected to pay for said item. This happened to an Australian couple who came back from a late night and found the remote missing. After calling the hotel on this and freaking out on management the hotel finally backed down and replaced the "missing" remote. We haven't experienced this firsthand thankfully although someone in housekeeping did once drink my iced tea and then refilled it with water in hopes I wouldn't notice. Hey betch- the seal wasn't cracked yet I know what you were up to.

15. Beggars network (all over) Who you give to is not necessarily who receives. That is true everywhere. We will not even get into the dark side of this- we have all seen Slumdog Millionaire.

16. Money for pictures- taking and receiving (India and all countries with hill tribes/villages) A picture is not free. The nice guard in India wants money after taking a photo for you- it doesn't matter that he was just standing there with nothing else to do. The snake charmer is going to invite you to sit next to him and then after you snap a couple shots he will demand 300 rupees. Absolutely not. I will never forget the little 10 year old Hmong girl in Laos who after flashing me a smile while I took her picture demand "Now you pay money! Picture no free!"You speak the truth little lady. I will however willingly pay 10 yuan to see one of the "long hair" women in China undo her hair if I get to take a video. Pictures of "exotic" things will cost you.

17. Just cause you've paid admission doesn't mean it's free (all countries, especially China). You paid 750 rupees to get into the Taj Mahal and you thought your shoe covers were free? Think again. Although we have found this all over Asia China has been the biggest culprit. Nature costs money folks, especially if it's man made. You pay to get into a park only to pay to get into the attraction within the park. Then you might have to pay to get into something else and don't you forget about the souvenir photo at the end! Rock shaped like an elephant? You pay to see. Want to go to a scenic viewpoint? Pay now! Temple to pray? Pay! Picture with a peacock? F you pay me!

Just like in America be mindful of pickpockets, smart about money, and keep your stuff locked up safely. Its not all bad news by any means and the majority of people are just living their life. Asia is also the land of unfixed prices and bargaining and when I'm in the right mood I quite enjoy the game of retail tennis- back and forth we go with the prices. It's all about being fair, continuing to smile, and remembering that we are a guest in their country while taking no prisoners. We have gotten some amazing deals along the way. The good things about Asia far outweigh the bad and I think you can find rotten apples all over the world. Basic rules: use your head and trust your gut. We hope you have enjoyed today's lesson at the school of hard knocks- that will be $27 apiece payable to me. $50 apiece if you drank the tea. Thank you! Pay now or deal with my thug (Brad).

Yangshuo, China

Welcome to one of the most beautiful parts of China- Yangshuo. Filled with limestone karsts, small villages, and shimmering rice paddies this feels like a walk back in time. Today we biked to Dragon's Bridge and then took a bamboo raft (literally raft made from bamboo tied together) and floated down the Yulong river for a few hours. Life is rough.

Enjoy a few photos of our current neighborhood.