After the great bed bug fiasco of 2012 Brad and I were determined to have a good second day in Kuala Lumpur. After a few perfunctory travel details were taken care of we headed off braving the public transportation in search of Batu Caves.
Upon arrival we were both a bit unsure. Malaysia is a virtual melting pot of cultures and home to Asians, Middle Easterners, and Indians. Batu caves houses Hindu shrines and it was almost like walking back into India due to the religious paraphanelia and amount of garbage. I quickly noticed one of my arch enemies present- wild monkeys. Ever since that fateful day in India I have never trusted those little opposable thumb wielding rascals. We attempted to stay far away from the multitude of monkeys sorting through trash as we climbed the 200 steps to the top.
The main Batu Cave was a bit of a disappointment. Beautiful natural cavern filled with unkempt shrines, trash, graffiti, and people. We took a few photos and began our descent when we noticed a sign for another cave, aptly named "Dark Cave".
I love the Planet Earth BBC series. Those of you who saw the caves episode might remember a certain cave in Borneo filled with the creepiest of things. I swore that was hell on Earth and I would never go to a place like that. Little did I know where my reality was heading.
We paid about $10 apiece and after waiting our group of six entered the cave with our guide, a super happy Malaysian girl who had recently earned her biology degree. We were each handed a little flashlight. Bats screeched and chirped from overhead although they were next to impossible to see. We began to tromp through the cave on a narrow path and I tried not to gag at the heavy smell of ammonia from the guano (bat poop). This cave is one of the most researched tropical caves in the world and Brad was overjoyed to be inside of it. I was scared and had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
The cave was created millions and millions of years ago from coral and shells as once upon a time Malaysia was under water. As the land changed and the limestone was created it surfaced from water and eventually formed a karst. Acidic rainwater seeped down and over millions of years it created a hole in the karst and then over time a cave formation. We began our descent into the cave and got to a section where there was a skylight and we could see many bats flying in a circle overhead. We continued until the light started to dissipate and our guide suddenly stopped. She instructed us to shine our flashlights out into a pit of darkness, which turned out to be a pit of guano. She estimated the pit to be between 3 to 6 feet deep. Upon closer look I saw that it looked like it was moving- it was like a carpet of cockroaches crawling all over the bat poop! She told us the cockroaches feed on it and then she suddenly shined her flashlight at our feet, shouting out, "Surprise!"
That sneaky betch. This was a surprise of the worst kind. Crawling around by my open backed shoes were cockroaches ranging in size from 1/2 inch to 2 inches. I yelped in disgust and jumped back from the side. Since there is no sun inside guano is actually the main life source within the cave. It smelled, quite literally, like shit.
We continued on the tour occasionally stopping to look at gorgeous cave formations and the occasional creepy cave spider. I was distracted though, shining the light near my feet trying to scare away the disgusting cockroaches. I was busy contemplating how I had even gotten here when Brad suddenly shined his light on the wall. Not two feet away from us was a monster- a real monster. An ten inch, million legged man eating centipede!
The real truth was that the centipede's body was at least 4-5 inches long with probably about 30 legs that were each also several inches long. It was one of the largest bugs I have ever seen in my life. Standing next to it in that dark cave it seemed to be the size of a small cocker spaniel. This is the mother of all cave predators that eats all the other insects- the cockroaches, spiders, and cave crickets. But that centipede was hungry for more and I think he liked the look of me. Just as I was pondering this thought the guide chirped out, "okay everyone turn off your flashlight! I want you to experience the real dark of the cave."
This betch was truly crazy. I was the last one to reluctantly turn off my flashlight. As I tried to see my hand in front of my face I realized I couldn't see a thing. It was the darkest dark I have ever not seen. There I stood surrounded by creatures from horror movies in the pitch black. I grabbed onto Brad and stood on one toe as I began to have a literal panic attack. I started sweating and yet was cold. My heart raced and each second felt like a year. I felt like I was going to throw up/run and then she called out,"okay! Turn on your light!" I was the first light on. Here I was literally living the episode of Planet Earth Caves. Personal hell.
We continued through the cave for another period of time until we came to a gigantic cavern with a skylight. Glorious light poured in and I felt a gleeful sense of relief. This was somewhat short lived when I learned that we were in one of the only caves in the world that housed the elusive trapdoor spider. This is the rarest spider on earth that freakishly survived from the Jurassic period 250 million years ago. Now there are only 100 or so left in the cave due to inbreeding, those horrendous centipedes, and human interference. I was very concerned about seeing one until she told me that I would have to go on the "adventure tour" to see one up close even though they are around. Um, what the hell was I on if not the adventure tour? There was a tour even more extreme?! She said yes and in that one you have to crawl through parts on your stomach. Thanks, but I'll pass on that I've seen what's crawling around here.
After checking out a flow-wall, more beautiful formations, and more nasty centipedes we came upon some cave crickets. Brad wants me to tell you all that cave crickets are non- photo tactic (which means they do not react to light, unlike cockroaches). There is also a worm in the cave who can actually regenerate when split into two, or three, or five. Brad also wants me to tell you that this worm has a special stem cell and if scientists can duplicate this regeneration in humans we might one day be able to eat our hand when hungry and have it grow back later. It's pretty amazing the way creatures who live in the dark react and adapt to their environment. There is also a cave snake that can use the rocks to climb the cave walls and wait for bats to fly into his open mouth.
After about 45 minutes inside we slowly made our way back out of the cave and I gingerly walked each step. As I stood in the entryway of limestone that was 400million years old I was astounded by the natural habitat within the cave. Even after my brush with the terrifying cave creatures I had proved to myself that I am stronger and braver than I give myself credit for. Suddenly, based on these terrifying creatures within, those stupid bedbugs didn't seem quite so bad.
As we walked back down the 200 steps we bypassed those damn monkeys who were trying to steal a little girl's juice. Bunch of jerks. A few of them gave me the side eye but generally left me alone. Then we treated ourselves to an ice cold coconut filled with fresh coconut water and hopped back on the metro.
Planet Earth caves episode, indeed.
Gross and awesome!
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