Most Extreme Elimination Traveler!

*insert flashy theme song here*

Welcome ladies and gentleman to this week's grand episode of
Most Extreme Elimination Traveler! (cue loud applause and excited faces)

As we have travelled around Asia I have noted a consistent pattern of tourists looking down on so called "tourist" destinations. I understand many would like to think there is a distinction between tourist and traveller yet anytime we go into a culture that is not our own we are just visitors into their realm of reality. Anyone who travels is a combination of traveler and tourist all at the same time. All travelers strive to be explorers and set off on an unchartered adventure yet that is also the goal for everyone else along the way. How can a person take themselves seriously saying, "this is too touristy" when they are also there adding to the tourist numbers? I cannot even count how many times I have heard that phrase uttered from the mouths of the masses of travelers all competing to have the best experience. So without further ado I would like to introduce our contestants in the pissing contest for Most Extreme Elimination Traveler! Who is the coolest? Who will have the best time? Who will be crowned most extreme traveller? Stay tuned to find out. Introducing.... The stereotypical travelers we have met thus far!

1. Mr/Ms Know it all!
They are way smarter than you. Even if they haven't done it before, they have done it before. You don't need to tell them anything cause their friend, guidebook, or ESP abilities have already told them about everything they need to know. They love using the phrases 'always' and 'never' and get a kick out of one upping you.
*Real life example: a conversation about surfing in New Zealand
"From what I saw people usually surfed in a wetsuit in New Zealand." -Me
"Oh yeah? You think that's extreme you should try surfing in Sweden! That's way more cold." -early 20s Swedish dude.
"Have you been to New Zealand?"-Me
"No, but I know. It's way more extreme in Sweden." -Mr know it all.
Thanks for that one up buddy. "I love know it alls," said no one ever.

2. Spring Breaker 2012 aka Captain Wasted
This guy/girl came to get wasted. Why stay home and booze when you can travel the world and drink until you don't remember where you are? This traveller frequently looks battered with random injuries and rarely rises before noon. Wears clothing proudly displaying the many pub crawls, parties, and booze fests they have attended as a badge of honor. Enjoys yelling, raucous dancing, and singing poorly along with overplayed cover songs. Girls who get by on their good looks and have no interest in other people's culture fit well in this category. Captain Wasted can be heard saying things like, "Oh yeah? Well I was so wasted at 11:00am I couldn't even stand up. Epic!"
*Real life example: "Have you been to the caves? They are beautiful." -Me, speaking to a girl in Vang Vieng, Laos on my second day there.
"oh no, I've only been here for ten months. I just drink and go tubing." -girl with no shoes and scabby knees
*Another real life example: "I'm getting tired. I have been raging for five days now"-wasted boy in tank top and eyeliner
"How long have you been here?" -Me
"Five days." -wasted boy

3. Survivor Grills
This traveler thrives on having less and is proud of it. They roll with almost nothing except for perhaps a shirt, knife, and rope and look at you with disdain as they see your big bag. One traveler literally had a hobo sack tied on a stick. The more uncomfortable the experience= the most authentic. They have an unearned sense of self satisfaction and seem to think they are starring on a show on the Discovery Channel. The dirtier the surroundings the better as this provides great bragging rights. A room with mold and bedbugs? They eat bedbugs for breakfast. Having facial hair is a bonus.
*Real life example: "All I need is a room that has a bed I don't care if it's clean." - Man #1 in Chiang Rai, Thailand
"Well I don't even need a bed I'll just sleep on the floor." -Man #2

4. The Penny Pincher
Yeah, yeah we are all able to travel due to sacrifice and saving but is it really necessary to argue to the death over 20 cents? This traveler will literally punch you over $1. They refuse to pay more than $7 per night for a room and enjoy hitchhiking and riding other people's coattails. This traveler frequently has poor hygiene and can be detected by their sour body odor. Often has dreadlocks as well-this is not a stereotype as I actually like dreadlocks I'm just being honest. Mostly eats street food for sustenance as this is cheapest.
*Real life example: We once had to wait for five minutes after one (dreadlocked) Italian dude argued over the equivalent of 40 cents with the shared taxi. Get in the damn cab and move it. And take a shower while you are at it.

5. The Transformer
Didn't fit in back in your home country? Well just come on over to Asia and reinvent yourself! This traveller might have been a nerd, goth, black sheep, or rageaholic back where they came from but here in Asia they think they are royalty. Being "Western" instantly makes you a little bit cooler and no one here knows that you wore head gear for five years or that you have daddy issues. Here you can be anyone you want. This traveller can also be running away from something back home such as debt, family, or an arrest warrant.
*Real life examples: Dorky white dude in his 20s walking around with stunning Asian girlfriend. Back at home no one gave him a second glance and in Cambodia he struck gold.
*Another real life example: Crazy dude in Chiang Mai who bums smokes from strangers, sits down at the table and attempts to befriend you, and then tries to stare you down and start a fight. That was awkward and we all know why you left home.

6. The Spiritual Narcissist
They have come on this journey to "find" themselves and "get lost" in their amazing spiritualism. Not all spiritual seekers fall into this subcategory by any means but we have met our fair share of spiritual narcissists. They enjoy talking about deep topics religion, nutrition, and holistic healing. This group is accepting of all beliefs unless of course you don't agree with theirs. They are so holistic and vegan but might use a little acid every now and then (it doesn't contain any dairy). They are inclusive towards all and want all to feel welcome until you are standing on their "sacred mountain space" and then you're not welcome. I'm generally a fan of this group and sometimes might even border on membership. However, they do need to remember to not take themselves so seriously and it's okay to eat bacon sometimes.
*Real life example: A one sided conversation with a girl in Thailand. "I'm really here on a journey. I'm a writer, a musician, I make people so happy and so many people live vicariously through me. I'm so creative and a good listener. I'm also really humble." -super humble girl
Imagine me nodding my head and smirking.

7. Red Light Johnny
This contestant is mostly male and above the age of 40, although there are exceptions to this rule (aka desperate younger guys with no game). Gray hair is a plus as is ample chest hair. Johnny is here in Asia to buy a good time. These sex tourists frequently travel in packs as this works better to hunt their prey. They can often be found drinking liquid courage early in the day and treat women like they are candy to be chosen from a vending machine. Red Light Johhnies usually prefer girls that are young enough to be their granddaughters and seem to forget that the girl (or ladyboy) has feelings and not just a vagina (or not). The Beatles obviously had not traveled to Asia yet when they wrote the song, "Cant Buy Me Love". News flash- she doesn't really like you she is a prostitute and likes your wallet. Cold hard cash can buy anyone love and friendship. You gross me out Red Light Johnny and I hope you get an STD.
*Real life example: I walked up to a few guys looking at a menu on the street. "Oh hey, what are you ordering? Oh, that's not food, those are ladies!" -Me
"You like?" -Man selling ladies from a menu
"Oh no, I've got thanks." Me pointing at Brad

8. Wide Eyed Wonder
This tourist wanders around in a stupor looking all around them with confusion. Refuses to leave the hotel room unless they are clutching their guidebook in one hand. Frequently wears backpack on the front due to suspicion of being robbed and does not care how ridiculous this looks. Likes to consult maps and will stop walking mid step right in front of you in order to do so. Is often poor at bargaining for prices and is favored by shopkeepers and taxi drivers.
Real life example: "Well, my Lonely Planet said..."-too many people.
Here's an idea- why don't you put down your guidebook and actually experience something for yourself? I literally witnessed a group of three people each carrying and reading the exact same copy of lonely planet during a sunset at Angkor Wat. Couldn't you have just shared one copy between the three of you?! Idiots.

Please give all of our contestants a round of applause for participating! Please tune in next week as the participants continue the battle royale to find out who will be crowned
Most Extreme Elimination Traveler!

Thank you for tuning in today I'm your host Ashley and I'd like to thank you for being a great audience. Keep rooting for your favorite contestant and I'll see you soon.

Until next time... And don't forget to help control the pet population by having your pets spayed and neutered. Bye bye!