People are strange, when you're a stranger

As we sit on the airplane leaving China I was thinking about the concept of nurture and cultural norms. So much of our personal habits, expectations, and mannerisms are defined by our upbringing. This morning Brad and I went to claim our free hotel breakfast and were horrified to find a traditional Chinese spread. Congee (a salty rice porridge), steamed mystery buns, lukewarm fried noodles, cabbage in some sauce, and fermented eggs stared back at me daring my stomach to undergo such a feat. I said absolutely not and hightailed it to eat an egg mcmuffin at the airport. As an American/Westerner I just cannot get down on soggy cabbage for breakfast. It's all about what you are used to though and the culture in which you grow up. Most cultural norms are simply a case of nurture. Those Chinese people were happily chomping down those dark fermented eggs while the very scent made me feel sick. I have realized while being the minority in China that here I am the strange one with the strange customs and tastes, not the other way around. I'm on their turf. The following are a list of "normal" things here in China that we find to be so bizarre and in many cases, highly amusing.

1. Crotchless pants- not just for strippers anymore! Here in China kids have taken over the Crotchless pants market. Who needs to wear a diaper when instead you can just have a hole cut out for your butt and private parts and defecate wherever you please! I cannot stop laughing at the sight of these little Asian bottoms walking away. Totally common to see kids peeing in gutters and pooping on grass. No joke. Split pants are all the rage. I tried to take a photo to show but it just seemed deeply wrong and I felt like Uncle Creepy. I guess the Chinese don't have as much diaper pollution and save some cash this way!

2. You can pick your own chicken, fish, or duck to eat at dinner! Talk about fresh- twenty minutes ago it was clucking around in a cage or swimming in a tank and now it's on your plate after you chose it for execution. People here are not so removed from their food source- see photos below. I'm thinking of starting a restaurant in America with the same concept and calling it Kentucky Fried Killer.

3. Man made nature. The very concept boggles my mind. As I have previously talked about you pay to see everything- and then some- and often this "nature" has been created by humans. Cave formations and stalagmites repaired by concrete, rocks carved to faintly resemble animals, sidewalks paths galore, grass only to look at (you don't walk on it, hello!), and man made "natural" hot springs and mud baths. We know it's not real yet somehow we still end up paying for man made nature. The real natural nature is gonna cost you too. Communism-1. Suckers-0.

4. Theatrical arguments. I have touched on this one before in a previous blog and even been the recipient of one of these tirades at the pizza restaurant. Shakespearian actors would be proud of these performances. Impassioned arguments erupt with waving arms, red faces, and lots of yelling. Someone might even go as far as pretending to "hold" someone back but it rarely ends up with actual fighting and blows. I guess since nature costs so much this is free entertainment for the masses. At first I was alarmed but now I just watch with wry amusement. I wonder if anyone is ever shouting, "Hold me back!" in Chinese...

5. Why can't we all just get in a line? In America we call it "cutting" or "budging" but in China it's just a way of life. Why stand in a line when you can just walk in front of everyone without getting called out for it? I even tried it once and totally got away with it! Personal space is also frequently lacking. People in China even look at and talk to each other in the elevator! Can you believe it? When I have called out others at train stations or restaurants for budging in front of me I am usually met with a blank stare and then ignored. Gggggrrrr. The only place that it is acceptable to budge is at the bar when you are trying to get a drink! Blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol.

6. Where has all the soap gone?! There is almost never any soap in the bathrooms- train stations, restaurants, and places that you really need it. So nasty. Just ponder that for a moment. With 1.3 billion people in a country I think soap and sanitation is pivotal. Soap fairy needs to pay a visit. True I am coming from a place that is overly concerned with sanitation but what's the point of wearing those SARS masks you see people wearing if you aren't even concerned about washing your hands?

7. I love the electric bicycles found all over but they are dangerous. Brad and I call them silent deadlies cause you don't hear them coming and suddenly your toe is almost smashed. We learned to look both ways many times when crossing the street. At night most people don't use their headlights to save on electric power so then they become silent invisible deadlies. I desperately want one back in America. So environmentally and lazy people friendly.

8. Fix that sewage problem! I hate the scent of sewage floating on the wind and seeping out of the gutters. Like many other countries in southeast Asia human waste presents a problem.

9. Group fitness. Aaah nothing warms my heart like a group of elderly people shaking it in unison on a park sidewalk. I just cant stop talking about it. It's free, it's healthy, and it's endlessly amusing to watch. It is also a lot harder than it looks to catch on to each dance routine. Watch out for the swords group at the park if you are trying to walk around them. America is seriously missing out on these group fitness in public spaces classes- let me tell you. Grandma and grandpa, young and old together in the name of fitness and fun.

10. Smoking everywhere! Puff puff puff. People even hold a cigarette in one hand and their baby in another. It's one thing if you want to make the choice to poison yourself with those nasty sticks of death but it's quite another when you are blowing smoke in my face at restaurants and public places and causing my hair to smell bad. Hong Kong and Macau have both outlawed smoking lets get with the times here China. I heard a figure that there are 350 million smokers in China- that's like the entire USA smoking. Groooooooss. Even smokers cannot possibly like it when they walk into a hotel room that smells like an ashtray from 1976. Smoking also contributes to the intense hacking and spitting everywhere, which is a whole other issue.

11. In America it's polite to eat everything someone gives you at dinner. We don't want to be rude by leaving food. I recently learned that in China it's the opposite and if you eat everything it means there was not enough food and more should come. You want to leave some to show you were taken care of properly. I think that's super cute.

12. When it's warm outside many men will just pull their shirts up around their nipples and rock it like that. I guess it's a natural air conditioner and many of them end up looking like the happy Buddha with those bellies hanging out. Brad tried it out and said it works... Gotta stay cool.

13. China has better fruit than the USA. Not genetically modified giant fruits with no taste but instead glorious fruits that fill me with wonder. Lychees, mangosteen, chinese blackberries, dragon fruit, sweet little strawberries, smallish mango things that have the consistency of peaches- so delicious. Fruit has saved me on multiple occasions.

On another note- why in the hell do you have to put your seat upright for takeoff on a plane? I just don't see the purpose! It makes me uncomfortable and I cannot see how my reclining two inches affects the takeoff or landing. Some stupid rules are the same no matter where you go. Like a renegade, though, I did not turn off my electrical device during takeoff! Can't hold me down.

See you soon Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.